sometimes, somewhere between often and not near enough, i have these serious self doubts about myself.

am i good enough to be loved? will someone ever love me enough that they think about me when they are brushing their teeth. you know that whole good enough thing.

it would almost be my life story if my ego wasn't so big.

being cute amd sweet doesn't make a winner, but neither does being shallow and cold. and i can be all four at any given time.

i question if i know how to love or how to be loved. i know how to hurt and be hurt. if i can hurt does that mean i have loved? if i can hurt you does that mean i loved you?

see these are the questions that have been keeping me up the last few nights. and i am guilty over analaying things. andhte more you say something, it doesn't always make it better. and even if you believe, is it really there?

why can things stay with you when so many other things leave quickly. and do those scars ever really heal. i think my ability to trust has improved. and i am better at the forgiving thing. and i am more open. i've learned to say what i feel. i used to be really good at that and then i woke up one morning and i was overly self conscious and self critical.

self defeating is more like it. i felt not good enough. so no matter how hard someoen tried to convince me that i wasn't, i didn't believe them. i carried that scar like a badge of dishonor -- i was so scared to feel anything that i felt nothing.

people told me they could see hurt in my eyes. that it made me more real. i didn't like being hesitant. but i liked hurting even less. and it was an evil struggle.

i still have that wound. and it sticks to my insides, but it doesn't get the best of me.

i think i have grown more so in the last few months. and its sad that it took me hurting someone to be okay with myself. but i like myself.

and i miss that feeling of love. even if i am not sure i know what it is. yes, that is my scar. i'm not sure if i was loved. by her. or her. or her. or anyone of the ones who have claimed it. but at the same token am i sure i have loved.

but i miss what i think it is. or was. or could be. i've done alot of talking about it tonight with some friends.

i miss meaningful. i miss knowing someone cares. i miss knowing that i care. i've had meaningful (no matter that i try to deny it). even if the only thing that meant something is that i learned how just empty it is to be hurt. i got something out of it. that makes its meaningful.

ok i'm lying i don't want that kind of meaningful. and i dont want the white picket fence right now either. i want the meaningul that comes with good conversations. and how it feels to like someone when that someone isn't there.

i miss holding someone.

my new years resolution is not to find the one. my resolution is to let myself learn how to love.

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