I've been listening to alot of patty griffin the past few days ....

somewhere i knew things were unbalanced and were about to tumble but i didnt know in which direction things would come crashing down. mandee commented that i looked sad saturday afternoon as i stood outside watchin a storm blow in. i told her i just felt like i was getting over something.

i think i have this unnamed curse. i don't know how to explain it. i can't give it a name. just somewhere along the line i messed up and the consequences still linger ....

it feel like everytime i get a chance for a little bit of happiness. it collapses into itself. for the week or so my friends have been congratulating (is that the correct word) on getting over the "i only date bitches" thing i have been guilty of in the past. and friday night, in a drunken haze, me and friend stayed up all night discussing how my luck looked like it was changing for the better. actually she did all the talking and i nodded sleepily as i rubbed her back telling her i wanted the same for her. and i guess as an added bonus my friends that had met her (as they piled into my apartment monday) approved of her.

we won't discuss how i approved of her and how uncautious i felt with her

but how quickly how the tides of fortune change. i think i sat there in silence (confused, stunned, frustrated .. pick a verb, any verb) as she explained the situation to me. and i understood. and i do. it's not a lie.

it was too soon to have a broken heart. besides that heart is so locked up under walls and chains that i think it's impossible to find. it's that bruised ego. the one that makes me always want to run when things don't go the way i think they should.

but i picked up the little pieces of my ego and brushed it off and got ready to follow through with my plans that i had which now didn't include her. i don't think i said much of anything.

she called and i didn't answer. i didn't know what to say. or how i was supposed to feel. i was trying to concentrate on enjoying myself.

it was fun, a typical night out with the group. i laughed, danced and had a few drinks with some of the doctors and nurses. gave a piggy back ride to a friend who wouldnt get her feet wet and almost fell asleep on the backseat of a montero in the taco bell line.

the "after party" was held at my apartment. i think it was pretty low key. but that could have just been my mood.

i called her back today. she said she missed me. i dont know how to quite take that. i promised that i'd see her this weekend.

i went to dinner with a couple of friends tonight. i felt a little better. but that could have been the shopping spree aftereffects.

i just feel a little lonely tonight.

i can change the lock on the door or learn how to take a little more
i can out run all the devils there but never the doubt

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