I'm in this wierd paradox. Maybe call it a flux, a rut, or the disenchantment I find in turning 30 in 5 1/2 months.

Yeah, that's it.

It's like I'm caught between who I am .... and who I am.

Career. check
college degree. check

My new year's resolutions was no more insignificant relationships. After spending 2003 just yeah wasting my time pretending to care when I really didn't. Or caring less than I said I did, I figured I would not live 2004 like that.

anyway, yeah. my solitary attempt so far cost me a friendship which stung a little more than the girl. and i miss the coffee.

2004 has also been spent resurrecting some friendships that for all intent and purposes had been more than 6 feet under. It's also been letting go of some that in all honesty werent worth the price of a bottle of beer.

I keep thinking to myself I am 30. Thirty. The big 3-0. Ok okay I soon will be. And I want to be prepared for it.

I have a career that I enjoy. I make $34,000 a year. I drive a nice new car. Large apartment decked out like a pottery barn ad. And a closet full of clothes. I don't have groceries but I never claimed to be perfect.

I've stopped smoking. I cut down on drinking. I exercise and just started running 2 miles a day.

But I'm distracted. There's the gronw up me who wears khakis, oxfords and a lab coat who researches things like cholestrol drugs and takes classes to further her career.

And then there's the not so grown up me who wears t shirts and jeans and listens to things like good charlotte while speeding through residential zones.

Me who stays up till 2 am but wakes up at 9 to run.

I feel lost. The kid in me is in constant battle with the adult in me. I've gone from being an insecure and at times insensitive jerk to an overly confident but yet better listener asshole.

and most of the time, I'm just me.

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